Who needs a game soundtrack now you can listen to your own tunes while you play? Not us. Now we can listen to our eclectic selection of ironic 1980s remixes and that new Madonna album while we beat everyone at Gotham 3, rendering the poor videogame musicians worthless and unemployed. See that tramp at the bus stop? He did the music for Halo. Tragic.
3) YOUR OLD TV
Even though that Goldtech Euroview Unitext 14" OneColour portable TV has been in your family since granddad stole it on his way back through France at the end of the Second World War, it's time to let it go. Xbox and now Xbox 360 has pioneered the use of highdefinition displays, meaning, in layman's terms, it's time for you to spend a grand on a really huge new telly.
4) PLAYSTATION 3
No, it's not out yet, but Microsoft's fox-like early strike has sent poor old Sony bananas. So PS3 will now either be cheap and not an improvement on Xbox 360, or really expensive and a small improvement over Xbox 360 but too much money for anyone to buy. Either way, there's no point bothering to make it and Sony's totally busted.
5) SPLIT-SCREEN GAMING
"Half a screen, granddad? What do you mean 'half a screen'?" - that's what a child might say a mere five years from now - a youngster raised on the online thrills of Xbox 360 where everyone has a whole screen to themselves. Split-screen gaming is, and always has been, rubbish. You can never see! It's stupid and fortunately, dying out.
YOUR DVD PLAYER
Xbox 360 plays DVDs straight away as soon as you've worked out which holes to plug all the wires in, with none of this stupid 'having to buy another thing to make it work' business that ruined the first Xbox. Better still, you can access your Xbox Live Friends list as you watch, making it a kind of weird futuristic media portal convergence thing. Ever yone likes those! And it plays DVDs in 480p too, which means that owners of high-definition sets get a better picture from decent DVDs as well. Not only is it a replacement, it's a better replacement.
Prediction: THROW YOUR DVD PLAYER AWAY IN: 2006
THE WHOLE INTERNET
Yeah, that's right. Xbox Live is going to evolve over the next few years, as a series of steps change it from a gaming service into your one-stop information and shopping supercentre. It's going to be, like, The Internet II - and this time it's angry. You'll be able to download movies through Xbox Live in a couple of years' time, you mark our words. You'll have to pay for it, mind, so don't get too excited. It's not like the current internet where everything's free.
Prediction: THROW YOUR, ER, INTERNET PLAYER AWAY IN: 2007
THE FINANCIAL SYSTEM
Forget the Euro, it's the Microsoft Points system that's the biggest threat to the British pound. Already we're desperate for more, after spending thousands buying most of the Xbox Live Arcade games to see if any of them were fun for more than five minutes. The option to buy more Microsoft Points with your credit card through Xbox 360 is massively dangerous, and could lead to financial ruin - especially for people with children that are yet to learn about the importance of willpower and the true value of money. It's all about the Points. If Microsoft lets you start selling things on Xbox Live, all money will be obsolete and we'll be starting new careers as Tony Hawk skatepark designers.
Prediction: ABOLISH THE POUND IN: 2009
STILL HANGING IN THERE! NOT KILLED BY XBOX 360 - YET
Enjoy it while it lasts, Apple. Xbox 360 is bigger, whiter and cooler than your metrosexual little music box, and you can bet your rounded white arse that Microsoft's going to be getting in on the portable music-providing service scene via Xbox 360 soon.
Prediction: TIME TILL DEATH: 18 months