Ahh, poor little PSP! Six months ago you were like the coolest little thing - now you're just a posh carrying case for our Memory Stick. No one's talking about you anymore, especially now we've realised all your games are shit five-year-old ones from PlayStation 2. Bye!
Prediction: TIME TILL DEATH: three months
3) TELEVISION PROGRAMMES
We don't call a television a television anymore, we call it an "Xbox 360 screen". Why would you want to watch EastEnders when you can play Gotham 3 against real people? Seriously, watching TV like a motionless vegetable is on the way out. Just you wait.
Prediction: TIME TILL DEATH: four years
Yeah, sorry to break this news to you if you're reading this in your lunch break in the kitchen of the game shop you work in, but high street game shops are on the way out. Many PC games already use online delivery to cut out the shops and ensure more money goes to the game makers, and Xbox 360 - with its hard drive and online access - is ideal for taking this direct selling scheme out to console owners. At the moment you can download demos for free (although it takes hours, even on the fastest current broadband connection), and you can be sure this will be expanded to full-on, gamebuying via Xbox Live download in the not too distant future. Xbox Live mini-game Marble Blast Ultra is only available to buy via Xbox Live download - and expect more to go the same way as Microsoft dips its massive, corporate toes in the online shopping water.
Prediction: BOARD UP YOUR 'BRICKS AND MORTAR' RETAIL OUTLET IN: 2008
And once PlayStation 3 is crushed Sony's going to lose its cash cow and will, by this time next year, be bought by Microsoft. Microsoft will then use Sony's resources to manufacture cardboard boxes to put Xbox 360 in. And even then they'll crumple up and break too easily, like most Sony hardware.
Prediction: THROW SONY AWAY IN: 2006
Who's going to want to return to the cold room your PC's kept in after enjoying the sofa-based Xbox 360 lifestyle? No one. We're not ones to put ideas into Microsoft's brain, but we're damn sure the omnipresent übercorporation wants every house to have its little white box under a TV plugged right into the internet. Developers are making games for Xbox 360 instead of PC, leading to a shift in the very fabric of the game universe. You're so doomed, beige box. Just because you can connect to Xbox 360 doesn't mean you're indispensable.
Prediction: THROW YOUR PC AWAY IN: 2007
Ooh, do they still make PlayStations? Didn't they used to be big in the 1990s? Well, they might as well not bother anymore, thanks to Xbox 360. Game developers prefer Xbox 360's ease of use and proven online systems, with fewer and fewer games remaining exclusive to Sony's ageing 'lifestyle'- branded machine. Xbox 360 has stolen Final Fantasy and Ridge Racer, with plenty more former PlayStation exclusives crossing over to the white side. Seriously, if anyone from Sony is reading this, you might as well not even bother making PlayStation 3 now. Email your boss and tell him you're quitting and he's wasting his time, then steal lots of stuff from the office and walk out. There's
just no need!
Prediction: DON'T BOTHER BUYING A PLAYSTATION 3 IN: 2006
Seriously. Talking into a bit of plastic crudely held to your ear is going to seem so rubbish when the Xbox 360 Camera comes out next year. Imagine being able to video chat with all your friends, in a little window while playing games, or while watching TV - or just sitting in your individual houses. You could also use it for flirting with complete strangers! That alone will have half the population running out to get one. This is going to be the most exciting and also frightening window into the online community the world has ever seen.
Prediction: THROW YOUR MOBILE AWAY IN: 2008
Imagine if Xbox 360 and its communication and network gaming and community aspects really take off. Imagine one in every house, and everyone video-camera-ing and spying on each other while they watch TV and play games together. We're not saying Xbox 360 will definitely change the ver y fabric of modern society, just that there's quite a chance it actually might.
Prediction: EXIST VIRTUALLY IN: 2009