Superman games have always been - to put it bluntly - absolute balls. The man in the red cape has never really had the game to match his iconic status - surprising really, given such a rich source material. But at first glance, this new game has got a winning formula: an open city to explore, fiendish villains and super powers to level up - where could it go wrong? Well, the more you play Superman Returns, the more you notice that while it appears to have all the above things... it doesn't.
It quickly becomes apparent that the open city is not actually an open city at all. You may recall Spider-Man 2's missions being scattered throughout the land, and you could embark on the story if you wanted to, or go off and do other things instead. It was up to you. Not so here - if you choose to ignore the cries for help and fly around the city (far and away the coolest thing about the game), you'll croak after about five minutes. The reason for this is because Superman can't die, but - apparently - the city can, meaning Supes' has to protect it at all times from every threat, making for an extremely linear point-to-point experience.
It also sets up the game for some of the most ridiculous boss fights ever. The second level (a gladiator arena set in deep space anyone?) is obscenely difficult, with a boss tougher than solving a hedge maze at midnight while wearing sunglasses. Chuck in a fiddly control system as well, and you'll find yourself throwing the controller at the wall. With superhuman force, of course.
To make matters worse, there are no side missions or collectibles, meaning there's no point in even trying to explore and that you have nothing to do until the forced Story mode decides to kick in, the buildings are just faceless blocks of 'grey', and Metropolis in general has the look of a 70's multi-storey.
It is fun to fly about the city, and fighting disasters like meteor storms and skyscraper fires is a good laugh - but even they tend to get boring after the 63,000th time. As for the super powers, they're not very exciting either - there's heat vision (to melt things), super breath (to freeze enemies), super strength, super speed and a few others, but they have all the 'feel' of a water pistol and pop gun.
It's all just a bit half-arsed and a fundamentally flaccid experience. Superman really does deserve better and, more importantly, so do we.