Ancient Wars: Sparta

Men learn nothing from the lessons of history

The Spartans, famed for their worship of the real-time tech tree of Euripides, liked nothing more than to build large, colourful bases before battle.

Spartan soldiers, history demonstrates, were born as adults. These unfortunate few appeared spontaneously in their barracks when the general had gathered enough gold, causing philosophical consternation across ancient Greece. Spartan generals were routinely frustrated by the slow pace of gold collection. This lack of pace made skirmishing a chore, and the production of their unborn soldiers a laborious endeavour.


Spartan generals knew that gold was the main limiting factor of their war, and that it would ultimately make conflict an unbalanced affair. Many Spartan generals totally wished they were Romans, hence the origin of the phrase "Resource Manageria Crappus Is."

Unlike many other historical armies, the Spartans had no basic unit type, and had to manually configure their troop types based on the weapons available to them. Creating workshops to develop new kinds of swords and shields was essential as the Spartans had no cultural memory, and forgot what they had developed between conflicts.

There is no evidence to suggest that the Spartans were able to use tactics in battle. They would generally just charge at their enemy in a large mob, grinding them down and killing them by force of numbers. The better the weapons their base had invented, the faster they would kill their enemies. Occasionally they would build walls and towers, but that wasn't really necessary for most battles, which depressed Spartan architects.

Additionally, some Spartan heroes were famed for their special, near-magical abilities, which did little to change the course of a battle.

Overall, Sparta was one of the most mediocre ancient civilisations. Visually they were crude, relying on faux Greek designs and primary colours for the caricature-like basis of their entire culture. They moved poorly, like cold lizards, and they spoke in an uncomfortable British accent, as if they were all rather unfamiliar with the words and had sat too far from the mic.

Worst still, there's no evidence that the Spartans ever had any interesting battles. All of their conflicts were stilted, predictable affairs, without any grandeur or epic sweep. They certainly won't be remembered by generations to come, not when there are other civilisations whose warfare is innovative and challenging, and not dispensed via an overused and age-old template.

The verdict

Phalanx, but no phalanx

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