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Kane & Lynch: Dead Men

Will Porter hits Tokyo with two new friends, and lends a hand in painting the town red...

Bus stations are never nice places at the best of times - they usually smell a bit like wee, and once, in Bedford bus station, a man of around 60 walked up to me, stared me in the eyes and hooted like an owl.

True story. It was terrifying. This bus station, however, takes the biscuit. My team and I are positioned about 20ft above it, coach bays and varied Tokyo public transport devices spread out before us, and the place is in total, utter chaos. Word of the running gun-battle that I've been occupied with for the past 20 minutes has clearly spread - and more than a couple of innocents have been caught in the crossfire, so people are perhaps right to be worried.

Suddenly a few bullets from somewhere graze me, I click for a token 'over-the-shoulder' viewpoint and scour the crowd, trying to make out anyone in uniform and waving a gun. Thing is, it's hard to make them out among hundreds of people, and as I do so I barely notice the SWAT team trucks pulling in at the bus station gates to herald yet another outing in bloody street combat.

If you're late to the Dead Men party, then perhaps a recap is in order. It's a hefty plot, but its bare bones are that Kane, the disgruntled chap I'm playing, may or may not have betrayed a shadowy brotherhood of arch-crims known as The Seven - stealing a heap of cash and legging it to Venezuela.

Once there, he's captured by the authorities and sentenced to death by the US for his many crimes. The Seven, however, spring him from a prison truck and imminent peril, then blackmail him into retrieving the lost cash through threatening the lives of his estranged family. Lynch, a psychotic maniac due to be imprisoned because he may or may not have murdered his wife, is placed as a constant watchdog over Kane to ensure that he follows the crime syndicate's wishes to the letter. Kind-hearted, rough-and-tumble light comedy this most certainly is not.

Nine months ago, at the game's announcement, I bore witness to Kane, Lynch and varied hoodlums abseiling down a tower block, murdering a roomful of armed businessmen, stealing a briefcase and descending through the guts of a Tokyo skyscraper - eliminating both life and the quality of many and varied interior furnishings.

Today, I play its conclusion; a street fight ripped straight from Michael Mann masterpiece Heat. It begins with lift doors pinging open - revealing myself and my contingent of mentalists clad in token smart suits - and a stunning view from the office-block's vestibule balcony of hundreds of screaming people piling towards the exit with their hands waving in a traditional worried manner.

Now, the usual thing to do at this point is to nonchalantly walk towards the exit with an air of, 'Well, I didn't have anything to do with the 50 ragdoll Yakuza bodies lying around upstairs'.

What I choose to do however (purely with the pursuit of journalistic integrity in mind) is run up and throw a grenade into the seething mass of people. Just imagine my disgust when the impact of the explosion sends a shitload of innocent people cartwheeling in every direction. I'm so disgusted, that I turn the game off, restart and do the exact same thing again - just to check that I'm disgusted to that high level all over again. Reader, I am.

Out on the street, and police cars are beginning to appear. Cover is important in K&L, so we spray fire from the skyscraper's entrance with an eye on thinning out the opposition a little.

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