CHAPTER ONE: BASIC TRAINING
This section introduces you to some basic techniques that will improve your overall effectiveness in the field. If you follow our advice carefully then you'll definitely be more likely to survive, no matter what you face. Whether you're lost in the woods near Basingstoke or being chased by the snakemen of the Sahara, you'll be ready for constant action.
FIT AND HEALTHY
Right now you're about as fit and healthy as a pile of elastic bands. It doesn't take much to be fighting fit - and if you're an able-bodied human being you've got no excuse for not following basic fitness routines. If you want to survive the imminent nuclear apocalypse (which you probably don't, but hey) then you'll need to be fit and dangerous.
HERE'S SOME TIPS
- Go jogging for thirty minutes a day, you lazy monkey.
- Walk to the shops. Seriously - every time you use the car you get fatter, and weaker.
- Start doing sit-ups. When you can do 1,000 in a row you are automatically entitled to start killing people with your bare hands. (Not really.)
FIGHT TO FIGHT, FIGHT TO EAT
An army marches on its legs, stupid. But legs are powered by eating meat. There's no point being a vegetarian if you want to survive, because vegetarians are weak. So eat meat every day for strength. It's best to eat a mixture of chicken and beef, with some occasional fish. If you think you might not be able to get hold of meat on your travels then take some beef jerky wherever you go. It's entirely disgusting, but it'll make you strong.
Also, if you're an alcoholic, or insane, it's worth remembering that a man can live on Guinness and fresh tomatoes. But eating some meat will help too.
Finally, eat five items of fruit or veg and drink two litres of water a day. That'll keep your guts and kidneys from getting bunged up. Do all this and you'll be able to beat up Conan.
PACK FOR ACTION
If you're heading out of the house, or indeed, into the wilderness, you should pack a number of basic tools and supplies. If you carry these at all times then you'll be ready for action. You never can tell when you're going to be abducted by the CIA for 'testing' so if you have this stuff packed (perhaps Sellotaped to your torso) you'll survive even the most outrageous wilderness scenarios.
LifeStraw, the clean water straw. Okay, this is incredible. It's a straw so packed with filters that you could drink out of any old muck-filled puddle and not get ill. The Lifestraw filters out 99% of nasties, and will keep you from getting the runs by drinking filthy water. Seriously, there's no more essential devices for the person who wants to survive in the wild. Modern science really does kick ass: www.lifestraw.com
Flint and steel. Don't just pick up any old bit of flint and steel, go and buy a set from a camping shop. These kits will enable you to make sparks at will, meaning you'll be able to frighten cavemen and also start fires to keep you warm when you're lost in the Siberian forests.
A magnifying glass. Another firestarting tool that will also allow you to examine the activities of ants in more detail. If you're relying on this to start fires, remember you'll need it to be daytime, and for there to be no cloud cover.
Fishing line. This is good for all kinds of purposes, including fishing, and trapping. More on that later.