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The crazy world of Crysis

Feature: Fun and games in Crysis paradise

Crysis has received such long-term hype that it's almost a shock to be playing it. It's especially a shock to be playing with such mediocre frame rates from such powerful machines, but who needs that anisotropic shit, anyway? After finishing the demo, we decided to start again, and find what fun the tropics have to offer the game-breaking mind.

CRAB SKEET

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THE SETUP: The crabs that you'll see ducking in and out of the sea are what Mr T would call "scuttly suckers". We're all for nature, but when we see things scuttling around on the floor, coming out of the sea, and probably indulging themselves in some filthy reproductive process that only the revoltingly decadent crab could think of, it makes us want to crouch. It makes us want to crouch down and punch them to death. Then we picked them up, hurled them into the sky, and shot them.

THE RESULT: Pick up a crab. You may want to shoot it first, to stop that infernal scuttling. Switch to Maximum Strength, throw the crab into the air, and let rip with your guns.

WE RECKON: At first we thought the guns in Crysis were too realistic (read 'inaccurate') to pick off a high-speed airborne crab. Not true! We drilled that sonofabitch right through! Decapods: beware.

BUILDING BUCKAROO

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THE SETUP: Physics in Crysis are good, but construction skills on the island are shockingly poor. Some of your surroundings are fragile to the point of nonsense, you'd think even a casually slouching sentry could bring the house down. So how about a coffee blender on the roof?

THE RESULT: Players take it in turns to pick up an item, jump onto the roof of a building (using Maximum Strength jumps), then drop the item on the roof. Once you've jumped off the roof, and as long as your item doesn't roll off, the turn passes to your friend. The person in control of Nomad when the shockingly frail buildings collapse is the loser, and has to say "I lost at Building Buckaroo, and consequently am shit".

WE RECKON: The trick to Building Buckaroo is learning which parts of the building are weakest, as they're not uniformly stable. Don't blame us - blame the curious designs of cowboy builders, and make sure you have a go on the flat roofs, which are more solid.

TURTLE ESCORT

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THE SETUP: Inspired by Episode Two's gnome-launching mission, in which you're asked to escort a wee terra cotta fella into a rocket finale, we decided to carry the first thing we saw - which was
a turtle - through the demo.

THE RESULT: For a man in a jumpy punch suit, this should have been easy - but it turned out to be nearly impossible. The first time we put the turtle down, the recoil killed us. We're not kidding. It's a good game this, but it can behave strangely. Plus, a living turtle is considerably lighter than a dead turtle, which implies that a turtle's soul is lighter than air.

Finally, you can't shoot when holding a turtle (although you can when holding a Korean by his neck), so you have to put the fella down to attack. And more than once, when we put the turtle down, he rocketed off at a speed that can only be summarised as unturtle-like. Minutes of searching the beaches with the torch attachment later, we realised he'd completely left the game.

WE RECKON: Crytek: sort out your turtle physics, not to mention your turtle persistence.

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