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Galactic Civilizations Diary: Final Entry

These are the end times.

Page 3 of 4

Problem 4: In a bizarre random event, the leader of the Drath was shot by an angry worker while visiting one of my worlds. The Drath declare war!

Solution 4: I blow up one of their suns. The Drath request peace!

Problem 5: Even without that sun, the Drath are huge, and they hate me. I don't think they'll be declaring war again any time soon, but they're making an alliance impossible.

Solution 5
: Let me think about this. I know:

Blow up all of their suns.

Day 30: Solution 5

I'd set every world producing armed constructor vessels for over a year now. The galaxy was thick with them. I diverted six-ship clusters to each major constellation of Drath stars and started to build a Terror Star at each. We weren't at war yet, so they were safe from attack while they mobilised.

All except one. Starfucker 9000. It was the last to start construction, and the closest to Terran territory. You see where this is going. I had PEACE BRINGERS on their way to defend it, but none were as close as the Terran battleship that had just burst from the unknown on a beeline for my newly completed defenceless star-killer.

I'd destroyed every Terran system except Earth's, but Starfucker Prime was still too far from Sol to eliminate them from the game before their ship would destroy the final piece in my masterplan. I hated to admit it, but this was another problem I couldn't solve by blowing up a sun.

Everything else was in place. Every single Drath a star had a Starfucker looming next to it, and in one or two turns, Earth would too. I had to defend Starfucker 9000, and I had to do it this turn.

I stared at that screen for ten minutes, but every possible take on the geometry came out boned. My defenseless star destroyer, a fragile but potent Terran ship close by, a few of my PEACE BRINGERS and a single constructor - all too far away to do anything useful.

Terror Stars can't move more than one parsec per turn, it's one of the immutable laws of nature. And thanks to a stupid recent law, no ship can move faster than 5 parsecs a turn. Then, at last, I saw it.

Three of the things I just said aren't true. That constructor isn't too far away to do anything useful: it can construct, right where it is now. It can create a small pool of Spatial Hares influence next to that Drath star.

And I can move a Terror Star faster than one parsec per turn. Much faster. I can make it the fastest thing in the galaxy, thanks to another stupid law.

All of which means that this is a problem I can solve my blowing up a star: Drathis. The Drath's home system, hundreds of parsecs from here.

So I blew up Drathis - I had a Starfucker right by it, so it happened instantaneously. The Drath declared war on me, understandably. And as per the stipulations of that stupid territory law I passed on Day 9, six of my ships were moved from Drath space. Including Starfucker 9000.

It was moved to the nearest non-Drath space: that little puddle of influence I just created 20 parsecs away. I'd catapaulted the slowest unit in the galaxy 600 trillion kilometers in an instant: right to the sun it was built to destroy.

And with that, the final piece was in place. My Starfucker armada was ready, and the war was on.

Gentlemen: weapons free.

Final Entry: The Seven Turn War

It was beautiful. Dread Lord veteran Starfucker Supreme rose above the yellow sun of Acer, Drengin-killer Starfucker Omega took Kures, and newcomer Starfucker 9000 drilled Alenil, Tiberius and Vitellius one after the other. The Starfucker that destroyed Drathis swept through the rest of their home constellation, guarded by the very ship that destroyed their entire army on Day 24; which I'd named the ROU Race Relations. In seven turns flat, every Drath world that had ever existed was dust.
The Jedi are going to feel that one. In the past.
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