I dare you. I double dare you.
Go out and get in your car. Start the engine and stand up, so that your head is sticking out of the sunroof.
Recruit a stumpy helper to kneel at your feet. He or she will be accelerating and braking for you as you steam down the motorway - completely out of your control.
For a nice final twist, remove the steering wheel and get a boffin friend to replace it with an imperceptible camera to track your movements instead.
The calibration of the steering is very important, so make sure your chosen boffin is diligent: It needs to be impossibly sensitive. Shift your imaginary wheel an inch to the left, and the car should screech a full 45 degrees, usually smashing you into a rock face.
Don't do any of that, obviously. You'll be arrested. And rightly so. You'll also probably die.
More to the point, it won't exactly be much of a thrill. You can sort of understand why criminals get an adrenalin rush from speeding away from a bank heist, or a daring smash and grab - and, therefore, why it's fun to play at doing so on a games console.
But the sunroof-stumpy-boffin-imaginary-wheel combo? That just sounds like hassle.
Astonishingly, some people at Microsoft thought this could be the basis for a fantastic Kinect launch game. A racing title in which you have to stand up while your avatar sits down? Who gave the rubber stamp to that? Even the boxart shows a smiley man driving whilst resting on his arse. (His passenger is stood up, arms aloft. But then passengers can do just that: They're not driving.)
Hassle. It's pretty much the epitome of the Joy Ride experience.
It's not even the game's fault. If you remember, Joy Ride was initially a controller-based racer. It was supposed to be Microsoft's answer to Mario Kart. It was never going to work, obviously - but by hastily translating existing code to a motion controller, Microsoft has taken an unoriginal concept and put it into tailspin.
Each mode of Joy Ride - Pro Race, Battle Race, Stunt, Dash, Smash, Trick - is based around the same mechanic. You raise your hands up to chest height as if you were grabbing a steering wheel to begin. The car (and we still can't really believe we're writing this about a racing game) accelerates and brakes for you - you have no control on speed, aside from a 'boost' option. To execute this, you pull back on your imaginary wheel, which fills up a power gauge - and then push forwards.

All of this is fairly impressive to a degree. The game responds with hardly any perceptible latency, and the boost feature is fun - and far a more frantic experience than a mere press of a button. In terms of responsiveness, Joy Ride has come a long way from the sluggish early demos we saw at E3 in June.
In addition, the modes themselves offer some nice diversity: Pro Race is, as it sounds, a standard free-for-all versus seven other drivers. Stunt sees you shooting up and down a half-pipe course, grabbing goodies such as cherries and coins whilst smashing glass ceilings - all against the clock.
Dash is a straight time trial in which your 'lean' is all important as you look to avoid obstacles. Smash tasks you with crashing into increasingly bigger objects until you topple a huge target.

Comments
6 comments so far...
altitude2k on 4 Nov '10 said:
Out of interest, does the experience improve any if you use, say, the MarioKart wheel (sans Wiimote) with this?
nologo on 4 Nov '10 said:
i think this will be a common problem with most kinect games...
MutilateTheDead on 4 Nov '10 said:
Should be free (as it was going to be) if the review is this bad!
sibear on 4 Nov '10 said:
That's just lazy, rushed programming then as the Kinect was totally redesigned to work whilst sitting after demands from developers. It was always going to be a weak title though.
a3HeadedMonkey on 5 Nov '10 said:
This is exactly the reason why all those people on here saying "If you don't want Kinect, don't buy it, why does it matter to you?" should shut up.
I was looking forward to this game when it was going to be a free, controller based download in which you bought the tracks separately. But because of Kinect, it's been f**ked up royally.
f**k Kinect.
SoulChimera on 5 Nov '10 said:
It was a huge missed opportunity to switch it from a free to play XBLA game to Kinect.
If it played well, they would've made stacks from in-game micro transactions. Now it's just turned into a pile of s**t (judging from all the reviews I've read)
Oh well. What's done is done.