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(Not) Richard Keys and Andy Gray on video games

Opinion: Ex-Sky Sports duo (don't) join CVG...

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RK: What else has grabbed your attention this week Andy?

AG: Two new games which seem right up our street, Rich. Bulletstorm and Duke Nukem Forever. Bulletstorm, get this... this is hilarious. Bulletstorm has kill combos called "Gang Bang", "Gag Reflex" and "Rear Entry", and a hero - and I mean hero - who says things like "strap on a dildo".

RK: Whoa! Andy, I think we'll have to stop you th...

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AG: And apparently, right, it has "dialogue containing numerous jokes and comments that reference sexual acts... and having sex with one's mother". Sounds like the sort of banter we had back at Sky - but even worse!

RK: I don't think we ever quite...

AG: And then Duke Nukem Forever. Aw, Rich, you're going to love this. Two girls, right - TWO! - going down on the man! One of them even makes a little coughing sound!

RK: ANDY! For Christ sakes. Has the last week taught you nothing!?

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AG: I'm so confused. Isn't this that "context" thing again? It's not sexist because... it's not sexist? I just don't get this Rich. How come what we did was so bad when this sort of thing seems to be all over the games industry like smutty chicken pox?

RK: Good God man! This stuff is ironic, yes? What we did, said - the whole "I wouldn't" Sian Massey thing...

AG: Which was never actually mentioned during public broadcast.

RK: Yes. Well that was disgusting. Football is caveman chanting, Soccerettes, OAP's dribbling into their Pukka... it's a man's world, and we were seen trying to keep it that way. This Bulletshower and Duke Of Nukem stuff - it's hip, Andy! The kids get it! It's of the now!

AG: Right. I'm not going to pretend not to be confused.

RK: Let's get back on track. I've been checking out some slightly more revered works of the games industry. Have you heard of Mass Effect 2?

AG: Is that the space one?

RK: Yes. That's it. The conversational system, combined with this sort of ever-moving progression model is really amazing. It's a whole new dawn for narrative. I really mean that.

AG: Trousers.

RK: You continue your journey from the first game as Shephard, who's this guy - well, in fact he's anything you want him to be, really. Even a girl...

AG: Tight trousers.

RK: It's just such an immense, engaging world. The races you meet, the personality types you must respond to; it's astounding.

AG: Unnecessary sex and tight trousers.

RK: There's a lot more to it than that, Andy. Is that honestly all you know about it?

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AG: No. I'm just saying. Unnecessary sex and tight trousers. Don't both those elements exist in the game? And wouldn't you agree they do little more than satisfy a hormone-spasm, randy juvenile fantasy? I may have my "context" muddled here again.

RK: IT'S EXCELLENT.

AG: I'm just saying... Miranda's libidinous appearance and overly-accentuated body - exaggerated all the more by buttock-brushing camera angles - is slightly at odds with the mature, genre-defining...

RK: Bloody female linos. What do they know.

AG: Exactly! That's all I was getting at! What were we talking about again?

RK: Erm, God Of War 3. An excellent romp, that one.

AG: He he he. Romp.

RK: The PS3 has rarely seen such graphical majesty. I think it's hugely underrated. In fact, I prefer it to Uncharted. Controversial, I know.

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