The Tekken character roster is a magnificent thing - interwoven like the roots of a mighty tree and with more backstory and intrigue than a years' worth of Neighbours.
You're sure to find a character whose design, style and story speaks to you on a profound level. Unfortunately, getting to that point hasn't been easy - for every musclebound adonis in any family, there's a crazy cousin who stays in the attic eating fishheads. This lot, then, are the characters in the Iron Fist tournament who should've been issued mittens...
To explain: Gon is a tiny dinosaur from a popular Japanese comic. Why he's in the Iron Fist tournament is never explained - and neither is the fact that he can breathe fire or - erk - 'anally expel toxic gas'. Sigh.
Made from a 2000-year old oak tree, Mokujin is an ancient dummy that comes to life in the presence of great evil and with the emergence of Ogre... actually, you know what? When humanity's best hope against a fire-breathing monster is made of wood and twigs, it's probably time to think about just buying a gun.
Okay - True Ogre is pretty tough. But before you get to the winged, fire-breathing pigmonster who's the main character in Tekken 3, you're forced to fight this man, who'd look more in-character on a Mardi Gras float passing out flower garlands than he does being hit in the face by Paul Phoenix.
Sure, looking in from the periphery of the King Of Iron Fist tournament probably makes it look like fun. Ooh, a friendly panda. Hey, that girl's fighting in purple lingerie. Then you join in and realise that you're a geriatric who can't even move your legs and the first round sees you pitted against the gigantic metal death-bot you created. The irony.
It feels sort of unfair to put fatty Ganryu in with the rest of the freaks, but consider this - according to the 'official' plot, he first enters the King Of Iron Fist to retrieve some Forest Rejuvenation Data in the hope of making Michelle Chang - and later her daughter Julia - fall in love with him. And however little you know about girls, if losing some weight and not wearing a massive nappy all the time isn't the first thing you do to attract someone who's mother you've already failed to hit on, then you're doing something terribly, horribly wrong.
Angel's supposed to be the good side of Kazuya's personality, which makes sense until you realise that she's a lady and he's... what? A conflicted man? But don't worry, it's all made clear in her ending, which sees Devil being attacked by skeletons while Angel flies off to the moon. Wait, what?
ROGER & ALEX
The results of - no joke - Kazuya's tinkering with kangaroo and dromaesaurid DNA, Roger and Alex escape the Mishima lab and were taught to wrestle by Armor King... because when you meet a giant kangaroo, the obvious thing to do is to teach it how to do a piledriver. Extra points for Roger's ending, where it turns out that he's decided to watch TV for the rest of his life.
Made by Lee Chaolan's alter-ego Violet to defeat Heihachi Mishima, Combot's also, apparently, designed to perform a variety of household tasks. So you've got to be careful when programming him, in case he babysits your kids with Mishima-style karate and fights Wang Jinfrey with his optional vacuum attachment.