The True History of Mario

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The Mario series has been rebooted more times than a duff computer, so can we ever make sense of the real sequence of events in the Mushroom Kingdom? We dig through 28 years of gaming in an attempt to write the 'true' history of the Artist Formerly Known As Jumpman...

THE EARLY YEARS
Attempting to arrange Mario's convoluted past into a coherent timeline is madness, but here's our take on it. Although Mario likes to present himself as 'one of us' - a bog- (ha!) standard plumber who was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, this is, at best, LIES.

As Yoshi's Island (1995) explains, Mario and Luigi were in fact born (and spent their formative years, if Yoshi's Island DS (2006) is to be believed) in the Mushroom World. Despite being born into a dimension where battleships the size of entire levels exist, and people can travel from one galaxy to another simply by jumping into a floating star and shouting 'woo-hoo', that world's equivalent of the NHS suffered from budget cuts just as much our own, and as such the nappy-clad pasta-gobblers were delivered to their parents via the medium of Stork.

As ever, this journey did not pass without incident. Kamek, a standard-issue Magikoopa with ideas above his station, recognised the Bros as two of the seven 'Star Children' and tried to kidnap them. He managed to nab Luigi but Mario plummeted to the ground, where he was intercepted by a passing Yoshi. (Not, as is a common misconception, the Yoshi - he emerges from his eggy confines at the end of the DS adventure, which means that the star of the SNES original has been retconned into 'just some dino dude'.) After a fashion, the Stork was reunited with his package and he resumed his journey. Brilliantly, the butter-feathered Stork dropped his prize again (Yoshi's Touch & Go, 2004), but Not-Yoshi was on hand to save the day again.

Safely delivered, the Bros stayed in the Mushroom Realm for several years, even meeting their future selves during the Attack of the Shroobs (Partners In Time, 2005), before the family moved to New York. Mario's short time on Earth was relatively uneventful - if you can describe 'owning a circus, having your star attraction ape kidnap your girlfriend, recapturing him and then locking him up in a nearby jungle' as 'uneventful' - before duty called and Mario found himself back in the world of the bipedal turtles.

One world is not enough
No game has ever tried to explain how Mario manages to travel freely between the two worlds, as he does frequently. His most recent foray into our world came in 2005, when he got the itch to play basketball against Shaq and some bloke from the Beastie Boys (NBA Street V3). Common sense tells us that the answer must be some kind of warp pipe, but then again, common sense is what tells you Glade Plug-Ins will be super-yummy.

Since then, Mario has largely stayed by Peach's side, protecting her from a multitude of Koopa-nappings. He occasionally ventures off to aid other kingdoms such as Daisy's Sarasaland (Super Mario Land, 1990) and Subcon, the Land of Dreams (Super Mario Bros 2, 1986), but the looming presence of Bowser means he's rarely away for long. Occasionally, he goes on holidays with his beloved, but they often go horribly wrong, usually because he takes his work with him (Super Mario World, 1990) or because he gets leathered and ends up with a criminal record (Super Mario Sunshine, 2002).

When asked why he devotes his life to protecting Peach, Mario once replied: "I don't do it because I love her; I do it because I really enjoy crushing turtles with my rear end." Actually, that's a lie. We've never heard him say that. But it's possible that he did.

CAREER HISTORY AND CREDENTIALS
Mario is renowned for his plumbing skills, which is incredible really, considering that no one in this universe has ever witnessed the moustachioed one dealing with an overflowing cistern, fiddling with a stopcock or fishing a dead goldfish from some old dear's U-bend. Indeed, the only canonical evidence of Mario's plumbing career in any videogame to date appears in Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga (2003), where he took it upon himself to fix the Beanbag Castle's leaky piping system.

Mario Bros (1983) purportedly shows Mario hard at work plumbing in his native Brooklyn. However, his 'work' seems to consist of him faffing around in the sewer network, duffing up turtles and insects. It's hardly a ringing endorsement of his professionalism.

Shadowy past?
Fact is, Mario has held numerous jobs during his time on our planet, ranging from the humble to the illustrious. It's known that Mario had a short-lived career as a professional golfer (a career he would later resume in the Mushroom Kingdom), and even won the prestigious NES Open Tournament in 1987. But for reasons unknown, he quietly retired to pursue a career as a boxing referee. The highlight of this short dalliance was when he was chosen to officiate the title match between Little Mac and Mike Tyson (Punch-Out!!, 1987).

But with such a colourful past, why would Mario insist on perpetuating the myth that he is but a lowly plumber? There are three possible explanations: a) he's inhumanly modest, b) it's a big tax evasion scam, or c) he's wanted by the police

The third option seems by far the most likely, and would explain why he registered as a carpenter under the fake name 'Jumpman' (Donkey Kong, 1981). But why would the rozzers want to nick Mario? Perhaps the answer lies within the cover art of the 1983 Game & Watch title Mario's Cement Factory (which depicts Mario and Luigi smothering to death a third, unnamed Mario brother). Could the Mushroom Kingdom's celebrated hero be a murderer on the run?

Jack of all trades
Also, doubts must be cast over the legitimacy of some of his professional qualifications. Despite apparently spending time in the US Army in his youth (Mario's Bombs Away, 1983), Mario has, at various times, worked as an archaeologist (Mario's Picross, 1995), a teacher (Mario Teaches Typing, 1991) and even practises medicine under the not-very-watertight pseudonym Dr Mario. How did he manage to properly study all of these professions in such a short space of time? We're going to stick our necks out and say that he didn't.

Mario's financial status in the Mushroom Kingdom is unknown. Although he lives like a rock star and frequently hob-nobs with royalty, he has been known to take on low-paid or 'regular joe' jobs to make ends meet - he briefly worked as a street performer (Mario The Juggler, 1992) before taking a position as an electrician at Roy Koopa's HardBrick Hotel (Hotel Mario, 1994). As of 2009, Mario is currently unemployed.

FAMILY AND HOME LIFE
Admittedly, we've only got a limited understanding of Italian family culture (gleaned almost exclusively from Godfather movies and Ragu adverts), but we were always under the impression that they're pretty tight-knit communities. Which makes us slightly suspicious about the lack of information about Mario's extended family that's available in the public domain. The only family member we know anything about is Mazza's brother Luigi - and considering that his past almost directly dovetails with Mario's, it's hardly worth wasting further column inches on the gangly green chancer.

Although Luigi is referred to only as Mario's 'younger brother', the fact that they were delivered simultaneously in Yoshi's Island (1995) suggests that they are in fact twins - that, or there was one hell of a mix-up at Mushroom Kingdom Stork Deliveries HQ. That would explain their near-identical appearance - until Luigi's sudden growth spurt in the late '80s, Mario and Luigi could have passed as direct palette swaps of each other.

The Wu-Hoo Clan
Mario's parents are notoriously camera-shy, having made, to date, only a single Marioverse appearance (in Yoshi's Island and the Yoshi's Island DS recap, where we see them holding the safely delivered Mario Bros at the end of the game). Even then, we only see their hands and the lower half of their bodies - Mama Mario is portrayed as a, uh, 'full-figured' lady, while Papa Mario is a veritable beanpole. Are Mario's parents so ashamed of their offspring's deviant monkey-capturing, turtle-stomping antics that they refuse to show their faces in public?

(Although this feature is primarily concerned with videogame canon, it is worth noting that Mama and Papa Mario do make numerous cameos in extended media such as comic books and TV shows, most notably in the Super Mario Bros Super Show, where Mario's Mama is played by (brr!) wrestler Captain Lou Albano.)

If we discount the possibility that Baby Mario and Luigi are separate entities from their grown-up counterparts (which is difficult, seeing as the two pairs routinely play competitive sports against each other), then the only other family members are Wario and Waluigi.

As far as we can tell, Wario's origins are never fully clarified, although the American official magazine has repeatedly claimed that Wario is Mario's cousin. It has been speculated, most notably by us, right this second, that Wario is in fact the third Mario Bros being buried alive on the cover of Mario's Cement Factory. We reckon that as a result of the injuries he suffered during this assault (the worst of which being a severely serrated moustache), Wario 'flipped' and turned evil. What? We've seen people go 'wrong' for lesser things in the WWE.

RELATIONSHIPS
At a glance, the romantic interests of the Mushroom Kingdom's key players seem straightforward enough. Mario and Peach are an item, while second-string characters Luigi and Daisy settle for each other. Wario is loosely linked with Mona (who we think should set her standards a little higher), Toad gets Toadette, whoever she is, Yoshi and eggy-mouthed transsexual Birdo do whatever it is they do, and Bowser stays at home and has a Pot Noodle. However, the course of true love never does run smooth.

At least this time it's not Mario's fault. In his youth, he had a brief fling with Pauline (Donkey Kong, 1981), but this ended shortly before (or perhaps because) Mario decided to flush himself into the World of the Mushroom in the mid-'80s. Since then, he's largely stayed loyal to Princess Peach, despite the seemingly platonic nature of their relationship. While there's no evidence that Mario has ever been unfaithful, he did share a kiss with Daisy (Super Mario Land, 1990) and remains 'close friends' with Pauline (Mario Vs Donkey Kong 2, 2007), so Peach had better make sure there's a steady stream of, uh, cake at hand to prevent her megastar boyfriend from plumbing away from home.

Boy meets girl meets Koopa
Peach's private life, on the other hand, proves far more problematic. Her feminine charms have earned her a long line of would-be suitors, the most persistent of whom is, of course, Bowser. The Koopa King, who isn't the smoothest operator, has attempted to win Peach's affections by kidnapping or otherwise incapacitating her on 13 separate occasions.

And that's just the ones we know about - as we discover in Mario & Luigi: Partners In Time (2005), Bowser's been 'napping the Princess since early childhood. Factor in that Peach must now be pushing 40, and it's possible that the infatuated shellback has made over 100 attempts to make Peach his own. It's kind of sweet, in a terrifying, horrifying way.

Bowser and Peach have even been married (Super Paper Mario, 2007), although, as always, there was a large degree of coercion involved. Peach, for her part, has always been cool to Bowser's advances, although she's rarely hostile towards him. So maybe there is something there.

After all, those seven Koopalings didn't just appear out of nowhere, did they? In fact, based on their age at the time of Super Mario World (1990), it would seem feasible that they were conceived at or around the time of the events of Super Mario Bros (1985). (Indeed, Bowser tries to pass off Peach as Bowser Jr's mother in Super Mario Sunshine (2002). She denies the allegation, but until DNA testing becomes widely available in the notoriously backwards Mushroom Kingdom, it's all open to speculation.)

So ultimately, what are we trying to say? Well, we've painted ourselves into a bit of a corner here, so we're going to continue the section as if nothing untoward has been mentioned. We're sure Mario echoes our sentiments.

Peach has also attracted the attentions of Mario's family. Luigi is seen swooning over the Princess' formidable ball 'n' bat skills in Mario Power Tennis (2004). In turn, Wario propositions her during the events of Mario Superstar Baseball (2005).

There's obviously something about the way she looks in short shorts. She kind of looks like Jelena Dokic, if you look at her from the left and squint a bit.

SPORTS CAREER
Despite boasting a 62-inch waistline, Mario did have some semblance of a sporting career on Earth. As previously noted, he was briefly a golfing superstar in the mid-'80s and even played ice hockey against Donkey Kong (Donkey Kong Hockey, 1984). So he's not without previous, but this modest history in no way explains how the plump pipe-botherer came to be such an all-round sporting incredi-star in the Mushroom Kingdom.

Make no mistake, competitive sports are big business in the Mushroom Kingdom. On the rare occasion that a sporting event takes place in a seated stadium (and not, for example, on an active volcano (Mario Strikers Charged, 2007), on a cruise ship (Mario Super Sluggers, 2008) or on a multicoloured track in outer space (Super Mario Kart, 1992)), Shy Guys, Koopas and other denizens of the Kingdom flock in their droves to see their heroes play.

These tournaments are clearly extremely lucrative, because no expense has been spared on the elaborate playing fields, even if some of the choices are a little odd. We're not sure that an ice rink, for example, is the ideal setting for a game of baseball, but what do we know?

Strong backhand(er)
With such riches at stake, it was no surprise to see - in the early days, at least - some of the Kingdom's finest athletes assemble in their quest for glory. Although the Mushroom Kingdom Sports Association has an 'equal opportunities' policy - allowing men, women, Koopas, Goombas, Piantas, Piranha Plants, monkeys, Wigglers, Yoshis and ghosts to compete in the same events - it was the humans who initially dominated competitions. Generic entities such as Kate, Alex, Harry and Nina once ruled the tennis courts (Mario Tennis, 2001), while Plum, Sonny, Maple and Charlie were considered the breakout stars of the first Mushroom Kingdom golf tourney (Mario Golf 64, 1999).

Despite these athletes' genetic superiority, somehow it was always Mario and his closest friends (and, indeed, adversaries) who occupied the money slots at the end of the tournament. As the years went by, it became increasingly difficult for 'outsiders' to make their mark in the Mushroom Kingdom and as a result today's competitions are almost entirely comprised of Mario and his cronies. In a sickening display of nepotism, we even routinely see Baby Mario, Baby Luigi and Baby Daisy entering the fray. Even allowing for such a vast temporal paradox, it's highly unlikely that an individual who soils his sportswear mid-match represents the finest that an entire kingdom has to offer.

It has been speculated (by us again, right now) that Mario and friends keep themselves at the top of their professions by sitting in on board meetings and proposing rule changes that benefit their own interests. Thus, in the tennis tournaments, Mario makes up for a weak backhand by allowing himself to whip out a giant hammer, while in the football world cup, Diddy Kong compensates for a lack of heading ability by allowing himself to red card members of the opposing team seemingly at will. Despite these double standards, the bunged referees fail to bat an eyelid.

Similarly, if you thought Formula One has a lot of unnecessary rule changes, then you need to take a look at how the Mario Kart Committee deals with things. The 2007 season was opened to Miis for the first time, but a barrage of bizarre new rules (including the ability to double in size and flatten the rest of the field) ensured that the advantage remained with the karting veterans. It's a fix!

NGamer Staff