Maybe this is all in our fevered minds, but we could swear that nary a month passes without some form of Dynasty Warriors torture being inflicted upon our fragile consciousness. Yet no matter how much we castigate, how sadistically low that number in the bottom right corner plunges, the misery keeps on coming.
Surprise then - DW6: Empires is AMAZING! Nah, not really - you're not going to buy that. Truth is, despite vows from Koei that this instalment in the saga is rammed with box-fresh ideas, the end result is as scrote-shrinkingly shat as ever. Arguably even more so, as the further down the fan-pandering road this franchise winds, the more befuddled us non-believers become. After all, it was only during the vanilla DW6 that you could finally swim or climb ladders. Goodness! Whatever will those pioneers dream up next?
Hardcore fans might notice that the special attack system (the only semi-entertaining part of battles) has seen some sprucing up. The new Renbu gauge at least means that skilled players are rewarded for monster combos and avoiding damage with ever more spectacular death-dealing pyrotechnics.
If you choose the Ruler class for your hero (as opposed to the more action-based Officer and Vagrant alternatives), there's also a fleeting semblance of strategy in-between the boring bits, where you'll form alliances, look after the upkeep of defences, buy special 'cards' that give you resource bonuses and so on. It's here where Empires unsurprisingly shines brightest, albeit to nowhere near the extent of stablemate Bladestorm.
Our biggest high was stumbling upon larger-than-life warlord Dong Zhuo from the playable cast of millions, a preposterously rotund colossus who thumps the gazillions of identikit enemies into submission with what can only be described as a giant gold-plated doorknob, cackling evilly all the while. Maybe we should be taking the button-mashing melodrama more seriously, but the wading across of maps demolishing outposts is just so frustrating that it temporarily soured our love for gaming. Empires is that demoralising and, as such, any of the decent strategic filler is instantly rendered worthless.
If we felt that Omega Force were making any concessions to the fact that this is 2009 and running on Xbox 360, we'd feel more inclined to scour for occasional high points. As it is, buying this overly, overly, overly familiar reprise would be akin to sticking two fingers up to every decent developer out there, then murdering their pets. Please Koei, no more. Please.
Rob Taylor
// Overview
Verdict
Shatmandu. Could possibly only be shatter if it starred Leisure Suit Larry himself, in fact.
1.9? That's not just bad, that's truly atrocious. I don't recall the last time I came across a review score from a professional gaming publication that was that low. Funny and disgraceful all at once.
The beauty is that it is endlessly pressing the same button repeatedly, then another one to special attack, then the first again. It really is repetative crap, but somehow I still really love it.
Omega Force should really get around to renaming themselves Omega Farce because thats what each title they've wheeled out over the last 3 console generation has felt like. Played DW's 3-5 and a few of their spin/knock off's and really wonder what their programmers do. Why does this stupid franchise still sell!?
I can't escape this tat it seems. My last housemate was determined to make me play DW:Gundam 1 then later brow beat me into giving 2 a chance only to find me laughing and playing with one FOOT and winning on the latter game. I told him why it was trash, I demonstrated the awful AI, I used previous games as examples of the none progression. I even consoled him with the one upside of the game, which was the fantastically awful voice acting, the only source of real entertainment. Did he care? Like buggery did he. "But it's the only game I can beat up a thousand men and feel like a powerhouse". I didn't have the heart to tell him that that's because he's crap at anything requiring a modicum of skill.
Now I've moved and what do you know, my new housemate just this morning bought this travesty. So I sat and watched him demonstrate how broken the game was by jumping and attacking without ever being hit himself. I watched as AI ran aimlessly around him instead of attacking. I mocked the graphics as being no better than a high res version of DW2. I laughed at the awful voice acting once more. Then I asked what he thought. Did he concede and agree that it was tat? HA! Almost verbatim he replied, "But it's the only game I can beat up a thousand men and feel like a powerhouse". I had to leave the room before ranting.
Why can't I find a housemate who can give me a run for my money on Street Fighter or Soul Calibur? Why is it always s**te they enjoy?
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Dong Zhuo... for the laffs
